Highs, Lows, and Depression

Highs and Lows During the Conversion Process

The conversion journey is made up of highs and lows. Can't find a rabbi - low. Find a rabbi - high. Rabbi gets busy, misses meetings, doesn't return calls, and doesn’t return emails - low. You find a mentoring family(ies) - high. You feel that your practice is increasing and you know what you are doing - high. You learn more and take on more and realize you know nothing - low. You take a break from increased observance learning for 1 day to several years - low. You get re-energized and begin learning and adding practices - high. Your rabbi says you are ready for a biet din - high. You start thinking about the beit din - freak out, I'm not good enough, I don't know enough, etc. - low. You go in front of the beit din and pass - high (real big high). 2 days to 6 months later - you have this major downer low for no apparent reason - its because your focus has changed and just like planning a wedding afterwards there is a "what do I do with myself" and "what are my goals" - low. Once you realize that is a normal part of the process - lows and highs become based on normal life stuff (marriage, kids, illness, death (g-d forbid), etc.). And every now and then I've heard this from people who I'm in awe of as converts that converted like 20+ years ago - you'll feel like a fraud that's going to be found out -low. People come to you for assistance with their journey (BT and pre-convert) - high.

I wish someone had told me the above - I'd have been more prepared. My advice (wish I'd really done all of this) is to create a personal statement (this I did and have posted to the file section) tracking my progress by date - and continued to do it post-conversion (this I didn't do) - but I think this would have helped me when I have those down moments/feeling like a fraud.

Post Conversion Highs and Lows

Many of us right after the conversion feel a high - some just a little one and others a major one. Then days/weeks/months afterwards we feel a down - usually in proportion to the level of the high. The higher you are the harder the down is. I've only known a few converts that did not go through this (and there is nothing wrong with not having the high/down cycle).

Converting is even more intensive than getting married. You spend years studying, proving yourself, focusing your energy on the goal - converting. And then you reach the goal. What do you do now? You have time that you never used to have how do you fill it? Then there are the doubts that can creep in and make one wonder "am I really a Jew" and "I feel like a pretender".

My only advice is to watch out for these thoughts. When you hit the down know that it is normal. Pick a mitzvah to "refine" your practice of. Try to find a "study buddy" and create a chavrusa to study with weekly, if you can not find anyone local contact Partners in Torah (http://www.partnersintorah.org/ ) and get a study buddy. Keep reminding yourself that the beit din would not have converted you if they did not feel you were ready. Make use of your support system that hopefully you developed during your conversion process.

Depression

Depression is pretty common during conversion. At different points we find ourselves focusing on what we have not learned yet or what we are not doing yet. This is one of the reasons I doing the personal statement and to keep a running list of what mitzvah you are taking on with the date next to it and checking it monthly to update it with "am now keeping" or "did not go as hoped and have these questions so have backed off on it and am now trying to do x". I also recommend keeping a list of the books you read. Again, check this list monthly to update it. If you have good jewish friends that have been with you through your process have them look at your personal statement, specifically the section on what mitzvot you have taken on/are taking on and see if they find things that you forgot.

When you get depressed pull out your list of what you've taken on and read to remind yourself that you do have forward movement and to give yourself credit for what you have accomplished.

I also found that I got depressed when either I had taken on too much too quickly or when I had been stagnate with no forward practice for too long. So look at what is going on when you feel these moments of depression. Look at what you have accomplished. Write a list of what you still want to learn/take on and set priorities and maybe dates for forward action. If the depression is coming on because you took too much on too quickly, take a step back, and stop whatever the last mitzvah was you took on, and stay steady for a few weeks/month, then pick a different mitzvah than the one you were stressing over.

One of the reasons I stress for someone to have a rabbi is that the structured study with a rabbi does help in maintaining a more even keel. It also gives you someone you can take those lists too for advice on what to do next.

You also need to develop a network of friends that can support you during this time. When you start feeling depression over this get together with them. Let their warmth surround you. And if possible get them to talk with you about what you have accomplished and what you are stressing over. It sometimes also helps to be in therapy while going through conversion as conversion is very stressful and a therapist can help you learn stress relieving techniques.

Going through the "study guide" or the list of things the Sydney beit din requires will give you an idea of what you know and what you may still need to learn. You can find all of these documents in the conversion folder within the files section (http://tinyurl.com/bhyxp ). Many people find that they know more than they realize when they are in a depression. And that they know less than they think when they are riding one of the "highs".

-Malka Esther
http://lennhoff.com/jewish_links.htm